I Loved Michael, But, I Don’t Think he Did by John-Martin Green

We've lost Michael. Michael, the seventies singing prodigy who grew into the most visionary musical performer of our generation. Michael, who scaled untold heights of popular culture, rewriting the record books. Michael, who sang and danced his way into the hearts and souls of men women and children the world over.

I am torn about his departure. It strikes me that he left us a long time ago, actually. His retreat may have begun as long ago as the time of the infamous Pepsi commercial twenty-five years ago at which point he was said to have commenced his addiction to pain killers. Having been alcohol and drug addicted myself, I can attest to the fact that, when one is so afflicted, one is not really present. Perhaps it began a few years before that, with his first plastic surgery.He was clearly a genius - a tortured genius. It frustrates me when I think about the extent to which, brilliant as he was, he seems not to have wanted to be who he was. It vexes and perplexes me that, with unfathomable resources and access to information - including African and African American History, all manner of progressive spiritual restoration models, and the best psychological support services the world has to offer - this uber-gifted man seems never to have opted to heal himself - to deliver himself of the self-hatred by which so many of us are stunted. For even a little of the incalculable psychological support of which he might have availed himself, he may not have had to remain psychologically trapped in boyhood.

While it is likely that the adults with whom he surrounded himself may not have been wont to challenge him to seek out help for fear of being dismissed, I can’t imagine people like Quincy or Stephen or Diana being so cowered. Was there nobody pulling his coat? Nobody at all? If so, that’s a tragedy.
Writers have conjectured about Michael’s changing his appearance so radically so as to remove any traces of his father from his appearance. While he may have harbored some antipathy for his father, I think it’s safe to say he learned his relationship to manhood and to Blackness from his father. His desire to escape the bonds of manhood and Black manhood were so intense that he went to extraordinary lengths to transform his physical self into something else. On a Larry king show one night this week, film director, John Landis told how, in approaching him to direct the Thriller video, Michael told him, 'I want to become a monster.' Before his final departure, he would seem to have come very close to achieving that goal.